Retired Army
I served in both Desert Shield/Storm and OIF-1 - and had vastly different experiences upon my return. When we left DS/S, we were afforded leave after return without the benefit of counseling or anything other than a safety brief and words of advice before departing on block leave. It was a difficult transition to go from a high stress, fast paced combat environment and to be immediately thrust back into the family/civilian environment. I had difficulty adjusting and understanding that my home life had changed, and how to deal with the changes. More importantly, my spouse at the time had no clue how to assist em in my readjustment process and assumed that now that I was home, everything would be back to how it was when I left. It was a very difficult transition that ultimately ended that marriage.
My return from OIF was a vastly different experience. After 15 months in combat, we were returned to our units and attended mandatory “decompression” training. This training was a week long series of classes that we attended with our spouses/significant others and was designed to walk both the Soldier and family member through the changes that had occured in both during the time away. It helped the spouses understand some of the changes that may have occured in their Soldier and techniques to avoid conflict as the Soldier re-integrated into family and garrison life. It helped the Soldier understand some of what they had been through and gave a chance for us to “wind down” and re-introduce us to our family lives post-combat. I still use many of the techniques today to mitigate conflicts in my life when they appear. I can’t say enough about the value of forcing a service-member to de-compress after serving in combat in order to smoothly bring them down from a constant state of hyper-vigilance and let them tune into the slower paced life at home. We were allowed to take leave only after completing the decompression training.
Some of the do’s and don’ts I would add are:
Do recognize and understand that the Soldier has had experiences you can’t even hope to understand unless you have experienced them - don’t pry for details to make sense of them.
Don’t push for details about things you may have heard - it may bring up bad memories for the Soldier, they may not be able to adequately explain and become frustrated because you just don’t get it, or you may get more details than you wanted and regret asking the question.
Do give the service member time to decompress and tell you about their experiences in their own time - they have to bring mental closure to some things before they are willing to share with you.
Do understand that servicemembers are more likely to share their experiences with another servicemember - sometimes, without the benefit of shared experiences, you just don’t know enough to be able to contribute to the conversation.
Don’t ask stupid questions. Civilians sometimes don’t know the right questions to ask - I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked if I killed anyone or saw any “gory stuff” when I was in combat - the questions are inappropriate and can be damaging. More often than not, you will get a ‘brush-off’ answer that pretty much ends the conversation awkwardly.
Do ask general questions about the experiences and let the Soldier divulge what he or she wants - don’t push.
Do be prepared for a morbid sense of humor - Soldiers see things with a different eye than those who haven’t been there and sometimes something that is morbid to you is hilarious to them - it’s a matter of perspective.
Lastly - understand that they may come home with some quirks or odd habits that are part of their survival mode - five years later I am still hyper-vigilant when driving and always looking for IED’s on the road, and adjust my driving to suit the situation when I see a box or dead animal carcass on the roadside.
I couldn’t ask for a better re-adjustment partner than my wife - she was patient and understanding and let me re-integrate to our family life in my own time. She recognized a lot of changes in me after our 15 month separation and allowed me the space I needed to readjust. She was always there when I needed to talk, and more importantly, she let me (and still does) have my space when I need it - no explanation required. All I need is to tell her I need some time to think or to be alone for a while and she gives me the freedom to do so.
